For as long as I remember, I have been afraid of falling. I love learning new things, and I love the thrill and exhilaration that comes with ‘risky’ things that have something to do with speed or jumping off things. Cliff-jumping? Yes, please. Downhill-mountain bike? Sign me up!
And yet, whenever I do these things, I am afraid.
Afraid of falling.
(And yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds when you’re jumping of something. You can’t do anything but fall.) Still, I am afraid.

I went snowboarding last week, and I spent almost the entire afternoon working on my jumps. It’s something I have never done before, and the first few times I tried it, I was holding back. I would get ready, steer towards that jump, and then slow down at the very last moment, or I would feel my body locking down the second I was in the air – which, obviously, resulted in me eating snow. All because I was afraid of falling, you see?
Except.
Turns out that I am really not that afraid of falling. Because to be afraid of falling means that you’re afraid of getting hurt. In all of my life, every time I have been afraid of falling, I have never been afraid of getting hurt.
It’s not falling I’m afraid of. It’s failing.

I was holding back, because I didn’t want anyone to see me fail. I love learning new things, but not if it means that I might fail. I purposefully hold myself back so I won’t get to a level where people expect me to do well, because what if I don’t meet their expectations?
What if I don’t meet my own expectations?

So, from now on, I’m letting myself fall. Because falling – failing – is okay. It means I’m learning something.
There’s a certain idea in education that I’ve always tried to use: an 85% rate of success means you’re in the best zone of learning. I’ve always thought it’s so useful, yet I never applied it to my own physical skills.
My fear of failing is deep-rooted, and I won’t be able to change it from one day to the other, but here’s what I can do: I’m letting myself have that 85% success rate.

For the remainder of my day, I kept taking jumps. I fell, went again, fell, went again, fell, went again, LANDED MY JUMP, went again, fell, … But all throughout this, I kept smiling. Yes, my smile was bigger when I landed it, but I kept smiling! And by the end of the day, I had four perfect runs after each other. I failed, and I succeeded. 85% of success.

So, I’m letting myself fall, and I will still tell myself that I did a good job even if my body was on the ground more than anything.
I will be soft and gentle for my body, but without being afraid.
I’m perfect, even if I’m falling.